Letter to my late Mother

Letter to my late mother  

Dear sweet  mother

I can not explain how much I have missed you! When your last son told me “mom has died” I can’t believe one year has already come and gone since the illness took you away,some days feels like it never happened,some days the pain feels like it just happened,I still speak to you,I hope several time you could hear me.

The hardest parts will be waking up and still realizing that you are still gone,I still send good morning to your phone and get a reply in my head......I remember how I grew up,mother you were everything and still are!

I remember all your sacrifices

I remember the ugly times....you still came back.....

I remember when I caught you crying in front of our kitchen in 1991 over the loss of your younger 

sister, I did not understand how death could be that painful,I only said sorry mom,now I know better

Death brings loneliness even when we surround ourselves with sea of people.

I remember when your mom was ill and was taken to the same UCH you went,

I remember I was so angry at your mother,her health was gulping a lot and you paid and paid..she was 86 i wanted her to go home and all to come to an end and also find peace,you still wanted her to stay in pain because you knew mothers are irreplaceable (orisa be iya ko si) you once said you were lucky you had us to comfort you.A home to come to,despite what everyone did to you mother you were quick to forgive,

Mother I was hurt by the people I thought will protect me,I remember how you pressed me for marriage,mother I did all I could do,dated all I could just to make sure your friends attended a wedding of yours,just as I thought it was possible,the devil struck and made him go to war with me,and not for me,I left broken,shattered,frustrated and depressed,I fell into unending grief my light was too bright for them,they decided to deem it,forgetting the sun cannot be covered,I moved on,and decided i will be better than what they had imagined,i moved on and promised myself never to be broken again.

Mother I moved on and wallowed in self pity,hatred,Just want to let you know that, i am not picky i just want a lantern for my light,a protector not a destroyer,a lover not a hater,

Mother sometimes I wish to wake you and ask you if marriage is necessary as much as you emphasized it,my attempt at it always breaks me....i leave it God.

You helped me conquer my fears,when I see you I get comfortable,

I remember we went to so many war fronts together ....

I remember morning prayers

Mother your time was so short,there isn’t a moment you don’t cross my mind,my mind is filled with things daughters tells their mom,thought you will be here till I am 50years old,giving your parents were old,our time together was short but memorable,if I would be anything it is to become your daughter again

Mother you were there for me every step,I never knew you will leave me so early would have done thing differently...

This past 12months has been the greatest mountain I had to climb holding my siblings hands with my load on my head

I have created time for things that I love,cooking,furnitures,fashion,lets just say I found an escape in all,a part of me is still lost and I wonder if I will ever get it back,I have stopped talking to people about my pain,I keep it in a big part of my body,they don’t get it,they moved on quickly...well my mom died..so it is my pain and not theirs,that has helped me a great deal

“If you feel the love you will feel the pain”. 

Your death struck me more than 1million lightning 

I remember growing up a loner,you thought me to be closer to my siblings especially my sister,I chose friends over her,you told me my friend will leave me but my sister won't,I have to tell you,you are right,my sister is all that i have left ....

Putting it together has been a difficult one,

Mother only your younger sister and younger brother are the only family we now see,I thought you said your family can fill up a banquet hall..well...

You spoke about death than life,you were always prepared,you were a fighter,a strong believer of Christ,you had different roles in church,I remember telling God to let his will be done,I questioned his love 💕 for you when you died,I have felt your absence more than I felt your presence,you never for once doubted my dream,you encouraged me,

I only have few questions

1. How is heaven?
2. Did you think of us at the last minute
3. Did you stop fighting?
4. Did you feel pain?
5. Do you see us?

Thank you for everything you taught me,I am a better person because of you,thank you for the love,attention,kindness and your abundant generosity,you were my friend,sometimes a lie in between telling the truth,I always tell you,I am your splitting image,when I look in the mirror I always see you.mother I do not use the mirror anymore,will stop here now hoping to have the courage in few years to write you again.

I never got to say these;

Good night maami 

Good night ye omo 

Good night mamaniyen

Good night iyaniwura

Your daughter

Adeyemi A.Adedeji

 Forever in my heart ♥️ ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️